It was great Independence Day, giving everyone a quick breather in the middle of the week, and a good time was had by mostly everybody. A new American hotdog eating champion was crowned in New York, and so congratulations to Joey Chestnut, who woofed 66 dawgs to set a new world record. He defeated five time champion Takeru Kobayashi of Japan, who snarfed 63 of those bad boys himself, which is also a world record, even in defeat. The previous world record was fifty nine. I’m sure both of them are still sleeping this morning.
In Virginia seven people were injured when a couple rockets misfired into the crowd instead of going up like they were supposed to do. Five people had minor injuries, but two people had serious burns and were hospitalized. That’s the first time I’ve heard of a professional show having a misfire.
In other news, a couple of model citizens, Al Gore III, and Sean Stewart, were arrested over the holiday, and the Gore story is interesting from my point of view. Algor Jr. was arrested for driving 100 miles an hour in a Toyota Prius, and when police pulled him over, they caught the odor of a Grateful Dead concert wafting out of his car. They then found Algor Jr’s stash, which consisted of some weed, and a good handfull of other central nervous system depressants, and some amphetamines.
Now the curious part of this story involves the make of the car, a Toyota Prius. I have never heard the make of a car described in a speeding arrest in my life. It seemed that the newscasters were making sure that everyone knew that the numbskull was driving a “green car.”
Now I’m sure Toyota couldn’t be happier now that everyone knows a Prius will go a hundred miles an hour, and the name Toyota was mentioned on every news station in America a few thousand times, and they didn’t have to pay for their advertisement. There didn’t seem to be all that much outrage that the friggin idiot was driving one hundred miles an hour and was high as a kite. He has already been released from jail.
This isn’t a first offense for Algor Jr. He, like Paris Hilton, has skated away from previous offenses. I’m sure he’s on his way to Celebrity Rehab. (Again)
Then there is rocker Rod Stewart’s son, who had nothing to do except punch and throw bricks at a couple and their car at a Hollywood Hills party. Stewarts lawyer says the suit is financially motivated, but the judge set bail at $60,000 bucks, so I guess he considered it serious.
Gore’s bail was only $20,000, so apparently DWI at 100 miles an hour isn’t that big of a deal. Especially if you’re Algor Jr., and driving a Prius. That was a Toyota Prius, in case you missed it. A hybrid will go 100 miles an hour, and still get good mileage, protecting you and the environment. Unless, of course, the dumb beestard happened to hit you, or cause an accident because he was high as a kite, driving a Toyota Prius, at 100 mile an hour. But it’s not serious,if you’re Algor Jr.
Algor Sr. is going to have to part with a lot of that free Google money to make this go away.
But other than the fireworks mishap, and the celebrity mooks, it was a grand Independence Day.
Earlier this morning I got a call from a man who wanted to know if we had anything like a “phaser” as in Star Trek. “Something that would just freeze a person up at 100 feet,” he said.
The answer is no.
If I had a product like that, I wouldn’t be working for a living. You could charge just about anything you wanted for that, and it would sell like hotcakes.
“Don’t you think that it would be a good product?” he said.
Well…yes. But you’ll just have to make do with what we have. When I get the first “Phasers” I’ll be sure to let everyone know.
Meanwhile, check out all our stun guns. They all work, just not from a hundred feet. But the mook will wish he stayed 100 feet away when he gets the voltage message loud and clear. As he does his funky flopdance on the ground he be saying over and over, “I shoulda stayed away, I shoulda stayed away, I…
If you’re prepared, you’ll never be surprised,